I’ve been reading back over a year, and oh god. I have been a whiny shit. I am so sorry. I promise to stop being such a whiny shit. For real.
I actually did end up writing a really great piece about what it’s like to be autistic for TEACCH, which I will publish here soon, which is what led to me reading stuff I wrote months ago. I probably could have cobbled together something from all of the millions of times I wrote about it previously, but this new piece is good. It’s confrontational and social model-y and I like how my writing voice has evolved in the past year (it means using AND a lot because I want to, mostly, and also comma splices). I almost never remember that there was this one time I was in college and got published in an anthology. Like I can actually write, if I stop being such a shit and just do it.
So that’s going to be my goal: just write, and stop being such a shit. I have a little over seven weeks until I leave(1), and I think it’s incredibly reasonable to suggest I could write a post a week. My intense interest in autism hasn’t really faded, but I no longer feel compelled to write about it exclusively; since being made an Official Autistic, I have felt much more comfortable just being and not having to yell a lot about how autistic I am. I’m very caught up in MBT fandom brain at the moment, but I don’t know that I want to write fiction and I have a tumblr dedicated to fandom thoughts. So I’m not sure what I’m going to write about, just that I think it can happen, and I think it can be excellent.
I wrote once that when I feel brainless, the only cure is to force myself to do something intellectual I enjoy. Greensboro Public Library, nonfiction section, around 360-375 and 616ish, I owe you my brains.
Not in a zombie way.
1. OH GOD OH GOD I haven’t told work yet (I’m planning to give them a month’s notice) and there is so much packing and cleaning all the stuff and I am using this stuff, how am I supposed to also pack it? Shit.
Etsy business is super stagnant (like nothing in over a month stagnant). I have some new pieces to list, but I’m honestly no longer sure what’s good and what isn’t. If you kind visitors would please head over to my shop, take a look around, and then tell me what I’m doing wrong, I’d be much obliged.
That aside, my fandom tumblrs are doing super awesome excitingly well. Yes. I started a Kate-themed tumblr, the obviously and fabulously named Fuck Yeah, Kate Miller-Heidke (I realized I couldn’t change the terrible layout of the other Kate tumblr, and also I am pretty sure I am the most awesomest Kate fan and therefore I should be in charge), and the Branden Rose tumblr is also thriving (aside from the problem of very little content in a very little fandom).
That aside, life appears to be happening with or without my consent, so I am trying to keep up and not get overwhelmed too much. I am currently supposed to be thinking about how I want to write a Statement About Autism for other adults and teens who have just been diagnosed, but all I have right now is: look, it’s going to be okay. It turns out that autism probably accounts for all the things you like AND dislike about yourself, because it isn’t something you should think of as a disorder you can separate from you, but rather a way of experiencing and thinking about the world. Adjusting to the idea that you have a developmental disability may be rough, but giving yourself permission to need the things you need to get by is the most radical form of self-care available to you as a person. You may have been forbidden to rock, or flap, or nail-bite, or echo, or pursue something you love down to your spleen because they make you look like some retarded autistic kid, but if any of those things make you better able to cope with a world not designed for you or by anyone like you, then you should probably do them. And also, you ARE that retarded autistic kid. Sorry. You’re pretty fabulous.
Which is not super inspiring.
HI IT’S BEEN A WHILE.
So it’s been a bit of a while since I updated this, my very realest of all of my blogs. In that time:
1. Kate released a new album under a new name, a technopop collaboration with her husband called Fatty Gets a Stylist. It is amazing.
2. Kit came, we went to Disney World. We hung out. We fought a little. We looked at real estate. We realized it’s only 10 weeks before I move for permanent for real omg omg.
3. Sar and Hez came to visit!
4. I have acquired a few fanblogs. Being that I am the loudest member of the nonexistent fandom for MBT, I have TWO fan tumblrs. Also a Kate one. Also I’m awesome. (The Explicarium, the Branden Rose’s personal tumblr, Just Gristle and Blood) Don’t laugh at the bad graphics on the last one; I’ve taken control of it from a previous mod and don’t know how she’d feel about me making it AWESOME.
And now it is time for pictures!
The rest are available in the main flickr set. YAY!
I have a massively awesome idea for a DM Cornish/Half Continent fansite.
I have the means (ish) to create it.
I have the desire to do it; in fact, it is fast eating up a lot of my headspace in a dangerously compulsive sort of way. Actually, the Half Continent in general has, I must acknowledge, reached a level of obsession only known to autistics and 12 year old girls.
What I’m lacking is the spoons. I’ll need to learn new coding programs to create what I want to create, and then there will be a lot of data imput into those programs. I know I have a strange mix of ability within one specific executive function (perseverance or grit)–for short-term projects, I’m okay, and I’m one of the most persistent people I know for long-term goals. There’s even a research study that I participated in, with people I know to corroborate my answers, that noted I have more grit than most people my age (I blame autism, as with so many things). But medium-term stuff…eh…I kind of have a history of terrible failure. Like this one time where I tried to write a master’s dissertation. Ha.
So I have this history of not being great at doing medium-term projects. Based on my completely fabricated estimates, this would be one such thing. The only thing worse than not giving into my compulsions and starting this project would be not finishing. And so, I procrastinate, which makes the compulsion part worse, but puts off my fear of self-caused failure. But procrastination also provides some measure of stress relief I don’t get during my work week (update: still like hell), so it’s a coping mechanism, too.
Basically, living in my head sucks right now and I would like $10,000 so I can quit my job and move immediately to Melbourne. Please.
New name has been chosen and paperwork completed; I’ll apply at the courthouse tomorrow.
More importantly, with a new name comes the final impetus to order business cards for etsy. Yay!
Also, not dead.
Also, feel free to guess what I gave myself as official titles. Hint in the tags.
Just a reminder, any and all fanfic I post will be locked if it contains major spoilers, smut, or both. The password for all MBT fic is the same, and if you would like to have that password please leave a comment.
Factotum was astoundingly good, and I highly encourage everyone to buy it as soon as it is available to you.
And now it is time for shouting:
AN EARLY COPY OF FACTOTUM IS WINDING ITS WAY TO ME VIA THE AUSTRALIA POST. IT HAS BEEN SIGNED BY DM CORNISH HIMSELF AND IS APPARENTLY FULL OF AWESOME.
Kit promised on behalf of us both to the lovely Mr. Cornish that there would be no spoilers online, so I will try to keep my excitement to a minimum. But I don’t know if you can appreciate how difficult that will be.
To whomever got to my site by googling “branden rose” “miss europe,” I have news on that front and will also be posting some horrible/awesome fic at some point in the future. I also realized that all of my map posts and pictures were lost in the shuffle when I changed hosts and will reupload them shortly.
Currently ruminating on the ineffectiveness of the DSM due to overlapping difficulties after reading a piece about preschool-aged depression. I’m not sure if I had started that young, but I think it’s arguable that I’ve been depressed off and on my whole life. Currently looks like we’re in an on phase! Will write when I have it sorted.
My name is Ali, though sometimes it's Eliot.
I have many tumblrs, which you are welcome to also visit:
Fuck Yeah, Kate Miller-Heidke - the only active Kate fan site, which is baffling.
The Branden Rose - the only active Monster Blood Tattoo fansite, which is less baffling.
I also have a semi-successful etsy shop, which you should visit, below.
A brief history: