My major concern is falling into a pattern of presumed incompetence. It was coincidental that I found this blog post today about the least harmful assumption (presuming competence even when others do not) as almost all of the people I will be working with have been diagnosed with intellectual disability (and many of them with autism). I need to work and remember that their diagnoses may not be correct and that any communication is welcome. I hope I’m up to the task.

Just got done making a spreadsheet that shows the titles of the songs from which I’ve pulled titles, the songs in the official canon I haven’t used yet, the songs that are official or semi-official canon but are covers, and the demos which have any sort of name. This is actually the third spreadsheet of its sort, as I have one keeping track of the number of times I use a song and one that lists the song, the lyric, and the date.

So I’m feeling a bit compulsive and pleased, now. And tired. Tried to go to the library, but the lights are made of some sort of migraine-creating forcefield that also happens to emit visible light, because within ten minutes my eyes and head ached. I feel sort of spoon-drained now.

There have been two Kate-lyric exceptions (both for MBT fangirling) and this will make my 97th published post. In this time, I have:
-Used lyrics from “Caught in the Crowd,” “Dreams,” and “The Truth” six times each (fun fact: I don’t like “The Truth”!)
-Used lyrics from “Blah Blah Blah,” “Day After Christmas,” “Our Song,” and “Out and In” five times each
-These seven songs account for 39% of my post titles
-I’ve used 34 songs, 32 of which are part of the official discography (including Elsewhere, Kate’s previous band). Including Elsewhere there are officially 54 songs (not including multiple releases or versions of a song), and I have an additional 32 or so demos. I think I’m going to have to make an effort to use all of the released songs for a title in the coming year. No promises.

In less compulsive, more personal news, I’ve had a bunch of interviews for jobs. The one I like best is for a group home and assistance organization in Chapel Hill who work with kids and adults with intellectual disabilities, developmental disabilities, and some neurological disorders. In practice this means a lot of people on the autism spectrum, some with Down Syndrome, some with CP, many with more rare disorders and disabilities, and a huge variation in levels of assistance needed. I knew it would be a good fit when the interviewer went off on a long tangent about how their clients are people and have every human right we do (I guess I passed for NT yesterday), even if they also need some help with ADLs or holding down a job. He used some language I only hear in the disability rights movement and stressed that you have to respect everyone as an individual or it would never work. I have a follow up interview tomorrow (after the first yesterday), so hopefully it works out! I’ve also interviewed for an in-home counselling position, and didn’t get a job at a local bookstore–but I did get an interview at a sister store later this week.

AT NO POINT DID I BREAK DOWN INTO SOBS OF FRUSTRATION OVER THE AMOUNT OF MONEY I NEED TO SAVE TO SUCCESSFULLY MOVE TO MELBOURNE.

I credit the cat and his soft, soft tummy for this. Little known fact: sticking your face in a cat’s side and breathing deeply is incredibly good for destressing.

I’m looking for something that will keep my brain occupied. I love anagramming and the last phrase was very successful. I want a two or three word phrase (maybe four, if one is an article) that is easy to remember and has 20-25 letters. The last one was “the very hungry caterpillar” and it worked really well. Suggestions?

Grading People from Rolling Credit on Vimeo.

A short commentary on the use of the terms “high functioning” and “low functioning” as applied to autistic people

I’ve known for a long time that my attention is directly correlated to the interestingness of the material–this isn’t unusual for kids identified as gifted (nor the adults they grow into), or anyone on the spectrum. In fact, it was this extreme hyperfocus that first had me questioning if I might be on the spectrum as I read tales of kids and their encyclopedic knowledge of topics and saw myself. This one time, I drew the same picture with only minor variations a couple hundred times; I was nine. I suspect I could still draw it.

I’ve also known for a long time that if I’m otherwise engaged, I can pay attention to topics of less interest with some reliability. In a school setting, for example, I’m usually really strongly into one class and then have varying levels of caring about the others–just like anyone else. Because of that high interest class, though, I have this sort of carry-over attention effect making it easier to pay attention to other material that is not as engaging for me. This has led me to the conclusion that I do well in moderate to high stress environments, but yesterday I started thinking (a rare thing these days when my mind lands on a topic and only stays for a few minutes at most), and this may not be the case.

There are different kinds of stress. Google thinks there are three–acute, episodic, and chronic–but that’s not what I mean. Those factors certainly play in, but I think stress can and should be divided by what part of you it engages, not just the length. Intellectual stress would be things like heavy schoolwork, complex reading material (fiction or no), non-rote professional work, puzzle solving. Emotional stress is identifying your own and other people’s feelings, social cues, working with other people. Physical stress could be identifying sensations (like needing to pee or being hungry), things that involve physical labour, or enduring discomfort (like working in a too-cold or too-hot place). Some combination of three things creates the stress, and that can then be chronic, episodic, or acute.

By this system, I really like things that are chronically intellectually stressful, with low levels of emotional or physical stress. I don’t like to move or worry about what my body language says. That is…not how I would currently describe my life. So even while I feel stressed, worrying about money and the cat and immigration, it isn’t the sort of stress that puts me in a position to spend a lot of time thinking. Those stressors are not comfortable for me, so they use up many more spoons than the stressors I like–and because I’ve wasted those spoons, I can’t do the things I enjoy (like reading scienceblogs) which could potentially refresh my spoons.

When I’m stressed–in the bad, not comfortable way–my memory and attention are spotty. I need to have a constant stream of intellectual information coming in–and going out, such as via blogging–to feed my own ruminative processes. Not only do I think they are a good thing, I now think they are essential to my well-being. When I am taking in enough information to have a viable ruminative background process going, my whole mind is working in concert, concious, unconcious, and memory. Being able to ruminate this way requires a precise memory, which is the first thing to go when I’m under stress (I often have no memory of meltdowns, for example–they’re just missing or I have a handful of photograph-like images).

I have been incredibly, risably forgetful lately–and lucky Kit doesn’t mind. Things we discussed multiple times have slipped my mind as if they never were. There is no sense of loss, of having forgotten something. My memory is not recording in the first place. Even when she reminds me, often with my own words, they feel new, unseen.

We talked about it yesterday, and I think it shifted my brain into the right gear to ruminate, because it hit me this morning, how all of this is connected for me: I need intellectual stress (and preferably as little of the other kinds as possible) to function well; I know alternate sources for this when I am not in uni; when I do not get this stress I become unable to seek it out because my will to live attention span grows shorter and shorter the longer I go without; this correlates with an unusually poor memory; these things are because with information coming in, I am able to ruminate properly (like any good ruminant and/or monster), because it is an adaptive and helpful process for me rather than being a destructive way to rehash bad memories or thoughts; therefore I have to just force myself to do something brainy, because it will sort of kickstart the whole process and I will stop feeling leaden. Which is…a helpful conclusion, and hopefully writing this will have done enough kickstarting I’ll no longer feel like my brain is dribbling out my ears slowly and painfully.

The interviewer was very nice, and didn’t seem bothered at all that I made it through college before I needed help–she said that it’s not unusual with the adult population they see. I knew at that point that this would be alright, that they weren’t misinformed or lazy or ill-equipped. They work with people like me.

I have a job interview tomorrow to work as a youth counsellor for an outreach program. I really hope it ends in a job. Oh, a job. Never thought I’d miss that.

Anyway.

I’m constructing a post about spoons and variability thereof and executive function, but, ha, I do not currently have the ability to construct this in a manner that is grammatically correct or readable. I will return to the topic when I can think in words again. It’s hit me that my first (FREE!) diagnostic session is this Thursday and I should probably link mom to some autism inventories so we can compare notes.

So, thanks to stark. raving. mad. mommy‘s post about it, I’ve been inspired to do my own top ten list.

The top ten advantages and disadvantages to my being on the spectrum:

Disadvantage 10 – I’m not always good at communicating clearly and with words other people understand in face-to-face or other spoken conversations, and often miss details because of it.
Advantage 10 – I’m very good at being precise in writing.

Disadvantage 9 – Tiny incongruencies stand out to me, which can be very distracting when reading books with little plot holes or talking with friends.
Advantage 9 – I make a really awesome fact checker and editor.

Disadvantage 8 – My palate is limited by both tastes and textures that I like and dislike, so I end up eating a lot of the same foods over and over.
Advantage 8 – Those foods are often green vegetables, and it makes cooking and grocery shopping low-stress when they could be overwhelming.

Disadvantage 7 – I have trouble picking up on body language that isn’t exaggerated.
Advantage 7 – I can read cats’ body language fluently.

Disadvantage 6 – Large groups of people are overwhelming and likely to make me be very quiet.
Advantage 6 – I make a good listener (when I can hear!).

Disadvantage 5 – When things don’t go exactly how I envisioned them or follow the rules, I quickly progress from annoyed to downright upset.
Advantage 5 – I can plan out how things should go and even plan when I need to be flexible and when I don’t.

Disadvantage 4 – I become obsessed with topics, sometimes quite briefly, to the exclusion of all else.
Advantage 4 – I know a lot about a lot of things.

Disadvantage 3 – My memory can be tricky–I remember things I don’t need to save, and forget why I walked into a room.
Advantage 3 – The semi-photographic quality makes it easy to remember visual information like puzzles, maps, and book layouts.

Disadvantage 2 – I do things the same way over and over, even when it’s not necessarily the best way.
Advantage 2 – I learned to draw by redrawing a picture from a book hundreds of times.

Disadvantage 1 – I have trouble making friends because I’m never quite sure when the right time is to say things or volunteer information.
Advantage 1 – The friends I do make are very close and like me anyway.

In conclusion, here is a slightly blurry picture of my cat wearing a bow tie.

We went to Kate’s hens night, which involved thai and karaoke and a lot of overstimulation, and the wedding, which was beautiful.

We also went to a place trying to bill itself as molecular gastronomy coffee. It wasn’t, so much, but they did have test tube coffee:

Then I took some more pictures of flowers:

I flew back to the US and it took forever, 10 hours of which I spent chilling in the SFO airport, which may be the most boring place on earth. I’ll make a point to go through LAX next time.

I did come back to my kitten, which is some consolation.

I got rid of GoDaddy hosting and signed up with ANhosting.com, largely because Hank Green told me to do it. It’s been a breeze and I’d reccomend them.

Currently, I am unemployed and living in Greensboro. Well, that’s a lie, right now I’m in Staunton visiting Stina and Dylan, but on the whole I am in Greensboro and loathing it, but it’s free and hopefully there will be jobs. There’s been a lot of drama about my car insurance and liscencing, but it’s over and I don’t want to rehash it.

ON JULY 1 I HAVE AN INTAKE APPOINTMENT WITH TEACHH, THE AUTISM PEOPLE IN NC. IT WILL BE FREE.

I’m super excited but also anxious for 2 reasons: 1. I worry it’ll be like Dr. Gaddis again, and 2. it might negatively impact my immigration. We’re waiting to hear from a lawyer, but this isn’t a full-on diagnostic appointment and nothing stays written, so I’m keeping this one and hopefully making the follow-up diagnostic appointment and then making decisions after Kitty has her surgery and can see again to visit lawyers. If I have to wait to get my papers before I can get my other papers, that’s fine. Australia has plenty of very good doctors in this regard and I’d be happy to see them. BUT THIS ONE IS FREE.

So…that’s all. Etsy sale on right now. I took lots of pictures that I hope will become my moo cards.

It’s less than a week before I have to leave Melbourne, and so much has changed.

I landed and was whisked away to the Windsor Hotel, a beautiful, historic bit of miniature castle, where we had a gorgeous view of Parliament and breakfast in bed and high tea.

We’ve been down to the beach…

And I’ve taken lots of photos of flowers around our neighborhood:

We learned a valuable lesson (and watched a damn lot of Glee):

We went to the zoo.

And then I learned about a medical program that will want me, no strings attached, in Sydney.

I want to go, very much, and could apply next year and sit the Australian version of the MCAT in February. We need to speak to immigration lawyers, I need to get Prosper cleared for immigration. Everything is suddenly on an impossibly fast timeline. I’m in a mild panic.

I wanted to maybe move with the wonderful Sarah to Baltimore, but I’m concerned I won’t be able to get a job that pays enough in just a few months in a new, big, expensive city. I wanted to move to Atlanta, though less than I did a couple months ago. I wanted to live with my mom, even though the idea mildly nauseates me, because it’d be cheap and require little effort. I’m not sure what I am going to do, but it’ll be something. So at least I’ve made the decision to act, and not let the inertia get to me–and that’s the most important step.