but lately, part of me just crumbles
every time I hear that melody

I have not gotten into the choir for which I auditioned. This is an unprecedented thing, with the exception of a middle school all-state choir that I knew I wasn’t getting into in the first place. I don’t know how to react to it. I was counting on that choir to be a place where I could make friends. A friend. One would be nice.

There’s a choir here in town that I would love to be a part of, but whose audition requirements essentially make it impossible for someone like me to join. I’m not being euphemistic about autsim stuff, though–I’m talking about musical experience. I am a chorister. I don’t sing solo pieces and never have. So requiring that I have a prepared aria means, well, I won’t even audition, because I have no means of preparing; my sheet music reading skills are substandard for the sort of music I’m capable of performing. Further, I’ll own that my voice often sounds reedy and thin alone, but I can bolster a chorus and blend well–and how can a director tell that from me doing a solo piece? Surely one doesn’t want a chorus entirely made of strong soloist voices? There need to be those like me who can shift from part to part and provide a depth of cover.

I hate it here.