From the monthly archives: December 2009

This is how my year went:

January: Kitty arrived and we met up in NYC (along with Stina and Dylan). We got to see Wicked, and it was awesome. I also got killer food poisoning our first full day there and was unwell and cranky for most of the vacation. We came back to Virginia, where it was cold, with a lot of anxiety and depression for reasons beyond even the inhospitable weather to a girl who is temperature sensitive in old surgery scars and being in a rural, isolated community without a way to travel easily while I slept off nightshifts at a job I despised. This is not to say we didn’t have some excellent fun–we did!–it was just exhausting and saddening, largely.

February: Started off better than January did, Kitty still here, and with a lot of trips to the Blackfriar’s. But she had to go back to Melbourne at the end of the month, and that sucked a lot. Also, I began taking tompiramate to try to control my rising number of migraines again, and had an entertaining list of side effects to enjoy.

March: I decided I really was interested in pursuing med school (after thinking about it for months to myself), and my mom and I drove down to Savannah, Georgia, to check out the school I had targeted as my best option to finish my premed requirements. It turns out Savannah may actually be hell, hot and muggy even in March, with overpriced housing and a terrible number of bugs. Also, the university had stopped offering the premed program.

April: I turned 24 and had to find someplace to move. Because I had hoped to move to Georgia, Stina and Dylan were already set with a new apartment; luckily (?) there was a studio in the same house for rent, which suits my needs just fine. I mean, except the crickets. Those do not. But otherwise, yes.

May: Kit and I had our five year anniversary, separated by distance again. I can’t recall anything else of major importance, so May must’ve been fine.

June: Was long. I had a great job interview with a tutoring company, and found my car dead. I hiked to Whole Foods and spent a few hours on the phone with my mom, with her boyfriend, with Dylan, trying to get home. Dylan eventually was able to rescue me. I almost fell asleep in the bookshop waiting for him. Mom, her boyfriend, and I then had to load my car up on his tow (after they drove the 4 hours up here); it turned out that the battery was dead, after all that. I got a new car that was not evil. Kit came back to the US, and we again met up in NYC. I did not get food poisoning this time. I did have a major temper tantrum that lasted from evening of our last day in the city through to boarding the plane the next morning. But I also got to see Kate Miller-Heidke, wonder of wonderment (this is a semi-bad thing, as Kit did not get to see her–we forgot she’d need ID to get into the gig and she ended up missing most of it in traffic back to the hotel), and a lot of zoos. I love zoos.

July: Kitty’s vacation continued, with a trip to the drive-through safari (both awesome and scary) and the adoption of our evil kitten, Prosper. There were trials involving the loft bed necessary for my studio space, but this trip was a lot better than the January one as I’m at least now in some semblance of a town. Sadly, Kit had to go back to Melbourne again for school. I also completed my visit with my first adult psychologist, who turned out to be a bit of a nut with poor listening skills.

August: My migraines began really picking up again through August this year, starting an exponential increase that was sadly familiar. I got in contact with the great job interview again, to be told that they were restructuring and would get back to me soon. That never happened. I started seeing my therapist, who does not have poor listening skills.

September: I came off the tompiramate, as it was no longer stopping my migraines and the side effects were starting to get out of control. I had a quick trial of imitrex, which was useless. I also talked to Mom about this whole autism thing. I think it went well.

October: I had a brain MRI, which revealed a small lession, nothing to be concerned about–except that it made my GP panic and send me to the neurologist at the earliest appointment he could get (December?). I also got to see Kate again and, yes, it was awesome (Ben Folds was involved, and he was pretty fun, too).

November: Was long. Kit had a rough month, so I did, too, trying to be as empathetic and understanding as I can. She turned 23. I kept getting more migraines. I also started talking to my dissertation supervisor again. I booked my plane tickets to go see Kitty in May, for the whole month.

December: I applied to graduate with a graduate diploma instead of the MA (for now), which is an improvement as it’s doing something instead of pretending nothing is going on. I officially decided to move to Atlanta in April of next year, as Staunton has little to offer me at this point beyond frustration. I’m hoping being in a new place, a big city, will give me better job opportunities and the money to do my premeds. I saw the neuro, and he was mostly unhelpful. I started a trial of gabapentin against my better judgement. It snowed like a motherfucker–over 2 feet. I then slipped on black ice with apparently boiling coffee, and have burns across my shoulder and chest from it, some of which are looking like they may scar. I got some awesome presents and some silly presents. My car got hit and runned. I’m at work on New Year’s Eve.

I’m ready for 2009 to be over.

 

I am so sick of doctors refusing to listen to what I say that I think I’m going to give up on visiting them. Clearly what I say has little to no bearing on their assumptions, so I might as well not go.

In September, my GP told me he wanted me to get an MRI of my brain to make sure that was fine. I said no. I was scheduled anyway, and left with a nearly $600 bill I cannot afford to pay.

He scheduled me for a follow-up with a neurologist for no clear reason. There is a small lesion on my MRI, but it’s very common in women with migraines (especially with auras), and I’m certainly well read on the various treatment options, so it’s not like his personal lack of expertise was detrimental to coming up with possible drug therapies.

The neuro started off quite nice, and seemed to be paying attention to what was coming out of my mouth. I gave him a pretty thorough history. And then came the big moment:

“So you’ve been on Zoloft, for anxiety?”

This question is the last thing I ever want to hear from a doctor. I will never, ever disclose this information again. I will make up an alternate medical history if I have to. This question means my concerns are no longer valid. Once a doctor knows this information, every single fucking thing I might be concerned over, like 4-5 migraines a week, can be attributed to a recurrence of my anxiety–even if I am not anxious beyond a reasonable level because I’m HAVING FOUR OR FIVE MIGRAINES A WEEK.

He asked me a few minutes later if I was stressed, currently. Well, FUCK, yes, I’m stressed. I hate my job, I have no social life, I am physically separated from my girlfriend by a couple continents and the largest ocean on earth, I’m struggling to make ends meet because of a stupid fucking MRI that I didn’t need, my car got hit and runned last week and now I have bills from that to pay, and I’m having four and five migraines a week. OF COURSE I AM STRESSED, ASSHOLE. But because I answer yes, and am not given a chance to elaborate, the answer to curing my migraines is not either of the drugs I was prepared to tolerate as suggestions (one of which is much less shitty than the other, but they were my two preffered choices having researched every single drug used for migraines on the market).

No. I clearly am just anxious and/or depressed again and need a reduction in stress. Have this pill. It will make it better.

“But I’m neither depressed nor particularly anxious,” I point out. “And the last time I took an SSRI, I gained 40 pounds and felt numb emotionally. I am not willing to try an SSRI again because of this. I would possibly consider an SNRI if we have to go down this route. But dulling my reactions to the stress in my life isn’t going to relieve my headaches, because stress isn’t a trigger as far as I can tell from the patterns I see. I told you that the fluorescent lighting at my work is a trigger, that’s why I get them there. Also, even if I bought your theory that stress is my underlying problem to be treated, I don’t want to do that with pills–that’s why I’m in therapy.”

But if you could just lower your stress, I really think–

“NO. I will not take that drug.”

Try some gabapentin, then.

I had dismissed gabapentin from my list of possible stuff to try very early on, and was annoyed that my experience of my migraines was being dismissed for some alternate cause, so I couldn’t remember quite why I rejected it. Then I got home. Now I remember.

These are the common side effects I get to look forward to:

“Back pain; changes in vision (double or blurred vision); clumsiness; constipation; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; nausea; stomach upset; tiredness; vomiting; weight gain.”

The full list of side effects is horrifying. This is also an anti-epileptic, like topamax, which worked for a few months before becoming unbearable in its side effects. I don’t grasp how a different anti-epileptic for NOT SEIZURES is supposed to make any fucking difference.

Because I was already upset that he was ignoring my suggestions of triggers and ways to fix them, I let him write the script, and had it filled on autopilot. Now I have these drugs that I’m terrified to take and a follow up in two months to talk about them.

I never want to practice medicine with an office and patients and all of that bullshit. I think it must make you stupid, and an asshole. Every doctor I’ve seen seems to be–they start off nice, and then stop listening about halfway through and reccomend treatment for something other than why I’m there.

I am not taking this shit. It’s $10 wasted that I really can’t afford to waste, but I refuse to take this horrible medication. And I’m cancelling my follow-up with him, I think. Doctors who can’t be bothered to respond to any of my suggestions do not deserve my business. I just hope I don’t stroke, or kill anyone, from all the migraines.

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Snow Tiger!

a foot of snow outside the door

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Why not just check out my flickr feed?

So, this is how I feel right now:

so sleepy

Which is weird, because my hair is like this:

the morning after

rainbows!

So I should be feeling more like this:

blurry but good

I’ve had a lot of this the past couple of days:

cat and lolcat

But now he’s all:

cat and mouse

and

startled

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Science! Yay!

There’s a lot of just…bullshit on the internet, which is both one of its greatest strengths and greatest weaknesses (like, if stregnth was a mobius strip). When it comes to health information, though, it’s definitely a weakness, because many internet users are never taught critical thinking skills–and even those who think they are executing critical thinking skills by being “sceptical” may be falling into traps of poor logic anyway (see: vaccine denialism, climate change denialism).

I’ve already linked to an awesome site of vaccine safety and facts, Every Child by Two, but I’m delighted to add a new link, as well: HealthyChildren.org. Thanks to the autism hub admin blog for pointing it out!

The more sites pointing towards the new Healthy Children website, the better their google ranking–and it would be awesome to get them to the top of the list when parents search for children’s health information. They are science-based and reliable, and I hope they do fabulously.

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So, I don’t think it’s news that Autism Speaks doesn’t speak for actual autistic people, nor their families, nor anyone who gives more than half a shit about things like equality, disability rights, neurodiversity, or the rights of children. You know, real trivial stuff.

And yet, they can surprise me. ABFH reports on a horrifying situation come to light, where families with autistic kids–one of which was trying to open a school for kids on the spectrum–who were displaced by Katrina were denied any help from Autism Speaks. The family due to open the school was used in promo material by Autism Speaks, but never given a cent. Read more about it over there at her blog.

Last April (did you know my birthday is World Autism Day? It’s less awesome than it sounds), TJ Maxx (a chain of discount stores, which take clothing and housewears from large department stores and sell them at a hefty discount, and sadly often have awesome and obscure chucks) sponsored a drive for Autism Speaks. I haven’t been able to bring myself to go back since I saw the front window covered in puzzle-shaped pieces of paper, each signifying a dollar given to this do-no-good “charity,” given by individuals duped about their usefulness to the community. Most people don’t know that only 4% of the funds Autism Speaks receives return to the communities. It’s time for more than just autism advocates to protest this bullshit. Every thinking person should be appalled.

Autism Speaks definitely does NOT speak for me.

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Dear Drugs.com,

I love you. Thank you for inadvertently giving me a suggestion for how to not keel over and die. I am in need of both migraine and allergy control, and thanks to your comprehensive interactions tool and reviews section, I learned via researching that I totally need to look into periactin/cyproheptadine. It works for both migraines and allergic rhinitus. WIN.

Love,
Me

PS – I know I said you could email me about new migraine drugs, but can you quit emailing me scary copy about how I’m totally going to stroke? Thanks.

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My ability to quote Kate lyrics for titles remains unfettered and, probably, unimpressive.

I was reading a blog I quite enjoy just now, and gladly read her breakdown of a new study reporting Copy Number Variations (CNVs) in relation to autism.

I love science. That is all. Head on over there to read why this is interesting.

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